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G

The symbol of the guild of "They who Begin With 'G' and Never Cease"

Origin Edit

On August 1st in the main Skype chat of the BWA, Jack mentioned he sold Splatoon for $40, 2/3 the original cost of the game, WWF Heavyweight Macho Man Randy Savage made the comment that "$40 is more than I've ever had in my entire life." Following this, he then posted this, completely irregardless of the other 3 members' conversation. The entire text was written from 1:24 AM to 2:58 AM, making the total duration 1 hour and 34 minutes.

They who Begin With "G" and do not Cease Edit

You see, I run a motley paper selling business.

By standing at the corner of streets and yelling "EXTREE, EXTREE, READ ALL ABOUT IT."

However, the papers I sell are actually manuals for building IKEA furniture.

Written in Mandarin.

It is a competitive business.

What with large companies such as "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH", or "Do NOT trust a man you may believe to be an alligator in a trench coat".

Many small distributors, such as myself, struggle to keep afloat in these trying times.

However, with the recent rise of pre-made furniture, business is beginning to increase.

As people are buying the manuals to be able to deconstruct the Swedish furniture to use as firewood for late-night rituals to Gregory, the Moon god.

There are still many complications to this, however.

When the furniture is burnt, it as most wood does, becomes several large Komodo Dragons.

And since they are world rewound for their skill in starring contests, many customers will take them up on their offer to trade them their power for the customer's left thumb.

This hinders my client's ability to dismember the furniture and occasionally begins to decrease my profits.

But, just as how we humans cannot escape the boot of the bourgeorsie, the Kamodos are unable to escape the literal boot of Geoffrey, the Tree god.

And after returning from whence they came, the thumbs are found deep within the forest.

So our clients, if so desired, can travel deep into the woods and reclaim the thumbs they lost.

However, in the process, losing the starring contest ability they got in exchange for it.

So all In all, the business is somewhat seasonal.

With the lack of business during the month of February, the Month of Gregory.

Eventually restored in July, the month of Geoffrey.

With the supplemental revenue from those who simply need the manuals for their intended purpose.

Which is, of course, to finally reclaim some direction in their lives by making a purchase they choose to make.

Not Johnathan's choice, not Martha's choice, and CERTAINLY not Ronald's choice.

But THEIR CHOICE.

So in random waves of 4-23 people, customers come to TRY to redirect their lives.

There will be someone who profits from that and I'm sure they'd rather it not be the big businesses.

Since the guild of "They who begin with 'G' and never cease" has begun to gain popularity.

Mostly because of their oddly high frequency.

Sprouting from nearly every crevice from street corners, to ceiling fans, to the gentle sobbing in the night no one hears because they CAN'T hear it, but because they don't WANT to hear it.

So they eventually they come to join.

HOWEVER, what this means is that they tend to start frothing from the mouth.

Not necessarily a vile froth.

Not like how rabies causes a person to froth from the mouth.

More like how a soda simply bursting from the seams with chemicals and nitrogen tends to froth.

.But don't mistake it as something pleasant, it it HIGHLY poisonous, so much so that people are encouraged to do it in a controlled environment, with the help of many friends who have already joined the guild of "They who begin with 'G' and never cease".

And have, likewise, already undergone the process.

Not only is it poisonous, but it does happen to be an exceedingly good distorter.

Unfortunately, those unsupervised and unprepared tend to figure this out and start a "post-modern" rave.

Guests are encouraged to bring laser pointer, but ONLY THOSE OF THE RED VARIETY.

As most other colors are more likely to accidentally initiate a ritual to Grant, the river god.

Which, as one would expect, floods the nearby water sources from boilers, to sinks, to refrigerators, to even the common falcon.

So once the ritual to gain entry to the guild of "They who start with 'G' and never cease", they are required to put forth 2,145 hours to a seminar.

Members do not, however, attend these seminars.

They are suddenly and without warning, hit in the heel with a Ti-Nspire CX Graphing Calculator, causing them to immediately fall into a coma.

In this stage, time does not pass and their collective consciousness is taught the basic understandings of multiple, useful, topics.

Such as, but not limited to, erratic particle physics, care for one's second, but NEVER, NEVER first iguana.

The inner workings of a 2023 Rollex watch, the political undertones of "The Emperor's New Groove", and the launch codes for most, but not all nuclear missiles.

Then, once the nearly 88 long seminar has come to a close, (keeping in mind that no time has, in a literal sense, ACTUALLY passed).

The new member does as most do.

And travel to their nearest CVS Pharmacy and Local Goods Store, and purchase a SEA FOAM BLUE sleeping bag,

If one, by mistake, purchases a aquamarine or vermilion sleeping bag, they must once again attend the seminar.

For most other colors on the red spectrum, such as velvet, or rouge, they will likely simply receive and error message, and be allowed a 23 hour grace period to attain a sea foam sleeping bag.

Then, once the member is inside the sleeping bag, the candles are lit, extinguished by the tears of those who loved them and those who did not have the time to tell them they loved them, oh god, what have you done, what have you done, Nathan? Look at this, you did this, you'r why these people are here, because of what you failed to do, because you couldn't bare your feelings, look at how miserable you've made all these people, oh god why, oh god why, and then re-ignited, they begin their 92 second convulsion.

In this stage, it is inadvisable to be neat the sleeping bag, as it is very likely that whatever is in there is not your, nor ANYBODY's friend.

Such occurrences may occur such as the ocean screaming, pistachio ice cream suddenly obtaining an undeniably sour yet also spicy taste, switching between the two with every breath, fire spouting from air, where there seems to be no material to burn, nearby rubber bands breaking only to form a new, much larger rubber band, and an inescapable sense that you may have left your stove on, or that you may have left the sink running no matter how many times you check.

Following this 92 seconds of convulsion, the candles must once again be extinguished by not tears of grief, but tears of relief by those there to witness the occurrence and live through to see that they are not dead, that they have been able to endure what so many before them have not, and that whatever lies ahead cannot be any worse than the past minute and a half.

After they are extinguished, the sleeping bag will gently float down onto the ground, a large thud being made despite the soft landing, hopefully onto the pre-set octagon drawn from RoseArt Brand Yellow Chalk.

The sleeping bag will continuously shed and regrow the top layer of it's exterior, several times a second.

Until eventually, the growth and shedding slows to a halt and is finally, ready to be opened.

Again, another very dangerous part of entering the guild of "They who begin with G and never cease" arises in this difficult stage, being the part with the highest mortality rate.

In order to open the now steel-like exterior, a member of the family must melt it off, starting with a torch made of maple wood, and then climbing the order of Fires until reaching the blowtorch stage, and after the near hour long endeavor of melting the exterior, they are left.

The member must now exhibit their own personal strength and break free from the self induced coffin before daybreak.

For, as shown before, it will begin to repair it's exterior beyond normal capabilities.

While more lenient subgroups of the guild may allow the member one tool of choice to keep with them before entering the sleeping bag, mainly a Under Armor Brand 24 .oz Vacuum insulated Thermos, or a packet of Splenda no calorie sweetener, it is generally customary to accomplish this unassisted.

If successful the member is officiated into the guild of "They who begin with 'G' and never cease", and given their honorary smooth, fist sized river rock.

Those unable to exit may have their loved ones once again go up the order of fires and be given another opportunity, however it is extremely unlikely as most present will have fallen ill to Scarlet Fever.

In only 2 cases have members been found to have escape unassisted.

Most namely, John "Oh god, oh god what is that, what have we released unto this world, what wrath is on it's way, what is there to do but cower and pray" Donald and Alexandra Rameriez.

John, using his uncanny ability to

And Alexandra simply piercing the 10 cm steel casing and tearing it open.

Following their acceptance they become aware of "They who begin with 'G' and never cease".

Such as Geoffrey, the Tree god, Grant, the River god, Gregory, the Moon god.

Gabriel, the sleeping bag god,

Gale, the soil god, Grace, the Warrior god, Gloria, the secret god, Graham, the.

And many, many more.

Here we actually begin to logistics of my business.

Which, as I stated earlier, is my motley paper selling business of Mandarin IKEA manuals.

With each month, members must attend rituals regarding respective gods.

These months are respective in a sense, however, as they correlate from the months from the initiation.

(Between these two messages, Lucas began to post pictures of fat dogs saying "Chat is asleep post fat dogs")

Most begin in the new year. pushed by the resolution most seem to make, "Where is my life going? What has it come to? Johnathan is out there, somewhere , Martha, oh god Martha oh god oh god oh god oh no oh god what have I done how could this be how could this happene to anyone, how, how , I'm so sorry, Martha, I'm so, sorry , and what about Ronald? What is he, what has he become, what have I become? look at me, I can't even remember what he looks like! What was he wearing? A suit? athletic wear? Casual clothes? Did he have glasses? What color what his hair, what WAS he. This is it, I can't do this anymore, there's too much of a burden this is TOO MUCH. I have to leave, I have to leave this city, I must escape if not for my sake then for Nathan's oh god, I HAVE TO LEAVE", so Gloria tends to be January, Gregory February, so on and so forth.

So I then sell them my wares, the Mandarin IKEA manuals so (mainly in June), members can dismantle pre-assembled furniture to use in the Great Pyre, and occasionally every now and again in high quantity by supporters of Gregory who commence rituals year-round.

To be honest, I do not even know where they come from, it's just that occasionally, when I open a can of Tab, it will shake violently, then not at all, and lastly explode, revealing an unharmed manual in perfect condition.

But either way I sell and they buy.

As is the way of the world.

For now.

Trivia Edit

  • When questioned on the inspiration for the passage, WWF Heavyweight Champion Macho Man Randy Savage stated "If it didn't kill you, would you eat paint? I know I would."
  • In an interview on August 11th, the author stated that regarding the seemingly leading final lines of the text "I meant to continue it, but more pressing matters came up, however, I am wholly in favor of continuing it if there's enough support, maybe even giving more information on some of our more secretive characters," The implications of a continuation are still a hotly debated subject among the viewers.
  • In various statements from the author, it is suggested that the characters may be given their own spin-off series
  • It should be important to keep in mind that WWF Heavyweight Macho Man Randy Savage is not associated with the popular furniture brand IKEA, and there has been no revenue made from the writing.
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